I. Hold. Grudges. Like a dandelion or kochia weed I can't seem to find the right formula to just GET IT GONE. Dad was a farmer, metaphor explained.

I've always prided myself on the fact that my mind is a steel trap for numbers. Said farm's phone number and box number from 25 years ago is still up there. But what I failed to acknowledge was the existence of everything else. Past wrongs, hurts, slights all ingrained in my cranium. Letting it go, roll off my back are just not in my vocabulary.

I was bullied. Every name, every embarrassment, every single public humiliation is up there just waiting for that moment when I'm feeling good to come out screaming. Leaving me desperately trying to bury them with a cupcake.

Doug and I went through a debilitating ordeal right at the beginning of our marriage and came out victorious. Mostly. But whenever I'm reminded that the man I married will never fully and completely return to me; every patronizing doctor, every medication, every dollar lost and spent comes flooding back and I get angry. Leaving me crying into my pillow at night for the years lost to ignorance.

So what the hell do I do? I started seeing a therapist and it really did help. I always felt better leaving than when I walked in. But, as life does, it got in the way and I haven't been back in a year. And all those familiar feelings are back. Scared. Worried. Tired. Overwhelmed. Defeated. I know I need to go back, that it will help. But it all falls back on time for me. And as a parent, who has that?