I. Hold. Grudges. Like a dandelion or kochia weed I can't seem to find the right formula to just GET IT GONE. Dad was a farmer, metaphor explained.

I've always prided myself on the fact that my mind is a steel trap for numbers. Said farm's phone number and box number from 25 years ago is still up there. But what I failed to acknowledge was the existence of everything else. Past wrongs, hurts, slights all ingrained in my cranium. Letting it go, roll off my back are just not in my vocabulary.

I was bullied. Every name, every embarrassment, every single public humiliation is up there just waiting for that moment when I'm feeling good to come out screaming. Leaving me desperately trying to bury them with a cupcake.

Doug and I went through a debilitating ordeal right at the beginning of our marriage and came out victorious. Mostly. But whenever I'm reminded that the man I married will never fully and completely return to me; every patronizing doctor, every medication, every dollar lost and spent comes flooding back and I get angry. Leaving me crying into my pillow at night for the years lost to ignorance.

So what the hell do I do? I started seeing a therapist and it really did help. I always felt better leaving than when I walked in. But, as life does, it got in the way and I haven't been back in a year. And all those familiar feelings are back. Scared. Worried. Tired. Overwhelmed. Defeated. I know I need to go back, that it will help. But it all falls back on time for me. And as a parent, who has that?

The little sister thing didn't pan out. Nor did the slimmer, healthier me. Focus on myself is just never going to happen. As depressing as that is, with 2 boys now (Cooper Hudson being born Sept/13) I have no life of my own. Doug's hours are so unpredictable that a weekly 1hr Zumba class isn't attainable. Of course it should be stated that I threw my back out at my first class and have been in near constant pain since. That was 6wks ago. Yay me.

So what to do then. Give up. Cash'r in and take my losses. Not sure what I'm feeling about the whole thing. My Scentsy business isn't paying any bills just yet but it's sporadic enough to keep me an active consultant. Working on that. Plan in place and initiatives started. I've also got a bookkeeping client I haven't started working for yet. Waiting for them to return from holidays to see if this whole thing will pan out. Just trying to feel like a household contributor.

Household contributor. What does that even mean for a SAHM (stay-at-home-mom)? Between bottles and diapers and potty training; laundry and meals and dishes Oh My. Is that not contribution enough? Granted neat freak is NOT in my personality make up. We still look like we moved in last week and not 4mos ago. But when the choice is sort clothing in bedroom closet or nap because I got 1hr sleep last night, the nap always wins. And sometimes I don't even get that. They say it gets easier. There's that elusive "they" again. Rat bastards ruin everything.

Tangents abound in this one. Let's see if I'll write again before another year passes.