I. Hold. Grudges. Like a dandelion or kochia weed I can't seem to find the right formula to just GET IT GONE. Dad was a farmer, metaphor explained.

I've always prided myself on the fact that my mind is a steel trap for numbers. Said farm's phone number and box number from 25 years ago is still up there. But what I failed to acknowledge was the existence of everything else. Past wrongs, hurts, slights all ingrained in my cranium. Letting it go, roll off my back are just not in my vocabulary.

I was bullied. Every name, every embarrassment, every single public humiliation is up there just waiting for that moment when I'm feeling good to come out screaming. Leaving me desperately trying to bury them with a cupcake.

Doug and I went through a debilitating ordeal right at the beginning of our marriage and came out victorious. Mostly. But whenever I'm reminded that the man I married will never fully and completely return to me; every patronizing doctor, every medication, every dollar lost and spent comes flooding back and I get angry. Leaving me crying into my pillow at night for the years lost to ignorance.

So what the hell do I do? I started seeing a therapist and it really did help. I always felt better leaving than when I walked in. But, as life does, it got in the way and I haven't been back in a year. And all those familiar feelings are back. Scared. Worried. Tired. Overwhelmed. Defeated. I know I need to go back, that it will help. But it all falls back on time for me. And as a parent, who has that?

The little sister thing didn't pan out. Nor did the slimmer, healthier me. Focus on myself is just never going to happen. As depressing as that is, with 2 boys now (Cooper Hudson being born Sept/13) I have no life of my own. Doug's hours are so unpredictable that a weekly 1hr Zumba class isn't attainable. Of course it should be stated that I threw my back out at my first class and have been in near constant pain since. That was 6wks ago. Yay me.

So what to do then. Give up. Cash'r in and take my losses. Not sure what I'm feeling about the whole thing. My Scentsy business isn't paying any bills just yet but it's sporadic enough to keep me an active consultant. Working on that. Plan in place and initiatives started. I've also got a bookkeeping client I haven't started working for yet. Waiting for them to return from holidays to see if this whole thing will pan out. Just trying to feel like a household contributor.

Household contributor. What does that even mean for a SAHM (stay-at-home-mom)? Between bottles and diapers and potty training; laundry and meals and dishes Oh My. Is that not contribution enough? Granted neat freak is NOT in my personality make up. We still look like we moved in last week and not 4mos ago. But when the choice is sort clothing in bedroom closet or nap because I got 1hr sleep last night, the nap always wins. And sometimes I don't even get that. They say it gets easier. There's that elusive "they" again. Rat bastards ruin everything.

Tangents abound in this one. Let's see if I'll write again before another year passes.

Ho hum.  Down 8lbs since last post.  Though I'm sure it's all water I am going to take it as a victory and ride the wave all the way down.  Don't know if I should release such information but I have 100+lbs to lose. There, said it out loud. It's shocking, depressing and freeing all at the same time.  Shocking probably for most of my friends (if any are reading this).  Depressing yet freeing for me.  I need to grab hold of my life and stop letting go.  Let's hope brutal honesty on a public stage does it.

So, this blogging thing has gone well. When I asked how often I'm supposed to do this, I did know that once every 2 years isn't quite enough. But it's amazing how even when you set your mind to something it falls by the wayside (if the size of my ass is any indication). I guess the question now is where to start? Where I left off 2 years ago seems like a natural starting point however, so much has happened this would end up being more of a novel than a blog. So I'll sum up: there have been vacations and jobs, diets and depression, life, love, hospitals and address changes all culminating in the biggest adventure of our lives...our 10 month old son Logan James Allen entering our family July 20th last year. As cliche as it is, it really does seem like yesterday I was laying on an operating table, scared to death over the unknown. Now my beautiful, perfect baby boy is going to be 1 in 45 days. Hard to believe. It's been a tremendous ride; an exhausting, exhilarating, frustrating ride. But my husband is healthy, my baby is growing, I think it's time to shift the focus on myself.

My pregnancy was relatively issue free.  Aside from some nausea throughout and some elevated blood pressure right at the end, I fared pretty well. I actually came out of it all weighing less than I did before I got pregnant.  Yay me! Flash ahead 10 months and I'm the heaviest I've ever been. I've lost the weight before so I know that I am capable. My issue seems to be the initiative to get started and the determination to stick with it. Now that it's summer I'm getting outside when Mother Nature allows and by gawd that should help. Fingers crossed and eyes closed I'm going to take the leap and start on a weight loss journey.  Body by VI shakes, Zumba and walks with my son is the plan. By this time next year I will be healthier, happier and with a little luck, incubating a lil sister for Logan!

I don't know how often I'm supposed to be doing this.  Do you blog daily? Weekly? How do you determine how often is too often and your followers begin to question how much is fact and what's embellishment? Can you really have enough going on in your life to blog every day? Granted, this past week has been quite eventful, but should I really blog about each incident? How boring would that be? That's the main reason I've stayed far, far away from Twitter.  Who really needs to know that I'm drinking a coffee right now?

That rant aside, it really was quite the week.  I've been layed off.  No worries, it's a good thing.  My job was far from full time so I was cut back to part time with still not enough work to get me through the days. So the decision was made to lay me off.  I've got my resume's out with my fingers crossed for one job in particular. AP/AR/Payroll position with one of the local school boards. This would be an awesome job! Once you're in, you're in.  But, it doesn't start till August so it will be nice to relax for a month or so. Which leads to the next item from the week...the hubby got a job on Wednesday.  He is now the sewer truck driver for one of the regional parks here.  So cool!  We are now going to be borrowing a tent trailer and will be residing at the lake for the summer!  He works 9-5, Mon-Fri, weekends off.  How awesome is that?  We get to live at the lake for 2 months. Come home on weekends to weed/water the garden, mow the lawn, take care of the cats and do laundry. And being home over the weekend means we don't have to be at the lake while all the irritating teenagers and 20somethings are partying like morons all night long.  It's a win-win as far as I can tell.  This is also such a good thing for Doug; for both of us. It solidifies in my mind that we've made the right decision moving out here. Very happy right now.

I've been feeling nostalgic lately.  Past jobs, past relationships, past interests.  Not that the interests are no longer, well, interesting.  They've just been pushed aside for new and not always exciting ventures.  Take my music tastes for example.  Anyone who knows me is fully aware that eclectic doesn't quite cut it when describing my musical affections.  From Garth Brooks to Metallica to Celine Dion I'm anything but pigeon-holed into one genre.  Those who know me also know that my numero uno, number one, would leave my husband for (he knows and is completely supportive) all time love would be The Tea Party and their lead singer Jeff Martin.  Again, my husband was aprised of, and is understanding of 3 things:

1. I love him with everything I have.
2. I would give my life for him if the need presented itself.
3. I would leave him if Jeff Martin, Johnny Depp or Garth Brooks suddenly realized they actually want me and not their current gorgeous wives.

Sorry, make that 4 things...I ultimately married him for my Kitchenaid Stand Mixer...in red!

Obviously this is a joke (except for the stand mixer part), but I feel the need to inform people that it's a joke.  And I hate having to inform people that it's a joke, but whatever.  You can't, please everyone so let's get back to why I started this post; The Tea Party.  Now my beloved band has been broken up for many years now which makes me so very thankful that I was able to see them live so many times.  6 to be exact.  But one of those times I will never forget.  I have a best friend who is also a fan.  Thankfully, he's a fan of me as well.  He took me to see them perform with the Calgary Philharmonic Orchestra.  Amazing doesn't come close to describing the experience.  Sadly this link is their performance on a special "The Daily Planet" with the Toronto Orchestra http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QQwkAyKtytc  but you get the idea.  Jeff's voice is so haunting, so true, I just lose myself in it.  Talking or speaking it doesn't matter.  I'd know that voice anywhere.

Where I'm going with all this is that I realized I haven't listened to them in months.  I haven't put in their CD, DVD, nothing.  I'm losing myself in the stresses of life and forgetting about the little things that used to make me so happy and at peace.  So with this post, I've been youtubing like crazy and relaxing to Jeff's voice and the thrum of the bass.  I'll sign off with links to a few of my favorite videos.  I hope you enjoy.

Lullaby  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Txfr2Y20RgU
Heaven Coming Down  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YfaATa-qmG4
These Living Arms (one of our wedding songs)  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6SdAs2Er5L8 sadly, no video was ever made for this song.  But it's my favorite.


Mmmmmmmm....nothing sexier than a man and a guitar.....gonna be a good night.

So my mom tells me today that the birds are eating my strawberries.  This is my first garden that has actually broken crust. And by broken crust, I mean my 5 rows of corn are over 6 inches tall, as are my 5 rows of potatoes...(it's a communal garden, there's no way Doug and I could get through all those potatoes!).  To get back on topic, the damn birds are eating my strawberries.  MY strawberries!  I could do the obvious thing and head outside to cover them with chicken wire.  That'll keep the smarmy bastards out.  Problem with that brilliant plan is this.  No amount of bug spray is keeping me un-bitten.  For someone who swells up to golf ball size with every bite, this is a really bad year.  Mother Nature really is a bitch.